These are my memories

"When I die, will the world tell my story? Or will I simply be forgotten with time?"

My life is not a fairytale, nor is it a novel. I was not raised in a world of 'somebody'. My family is just like everyone else. Blend, mundane and simply one of those that will just be forgotten. I was not raised in a perfect world. My father, lost himself to lust and left us. My poor mother, she had to scrape every inch of energy she had to work and feed the both of us, until it sucked her dry and left her with nothing but betrayal after betrayal.

I was not kind to her either, even though I told myself to be. I get lost in my own world. Watching my friends lead perfect lives, looking back on my own and thinking "What have I done to not deserve what they're getting?", "Why is it so wrong for me to expect more?". I would sometimes take this anger out upon her. Raising my voice at her or simply not showing the respect that I know she deserved.

When I was younger, my mother would hit me until my arms would sore. The bruises would be so obvious that I would be so ashamed to go to school the next day. But she only gave me beatings I deserved. Nothing more, nothing less. She would comfort me after that. She'd often say, " I believe you are destined for so much more." I never believed what she said, for if so, she would not cry whenever she beat me. Every time I looked in her eyes, behind all those tears, I see disappointment. I was the child she never wanted, and yet there I was. I was her burden to bear. She could hate me and leave me to survive on my own, but she was too kind of a mother to do that. She took care of me, no matter how worn out or broken she was. With that broken self, she tried her best to give me the most "perfect" life I could have.

I could never be the child my mother wanted. She wanted a son. Even after the doctors had confirmed that she was having a baby girl, she prayed that there was a mistake and that she'd have a son. Yet she loved me with all the love she could give. And what do I give her in return? Failure after failure, layers and layers of lies and disappointment that I am no longer the innocent baby girl she used to know. I can see her losing faith in me. It pains me to see that much disappointment in her eyes. I have lost her trust so many times that I don't think I can ever earn it back. My words will hold no more value to her. She no longer expects anything of me. Yet even after all that, she doesn't leave me. She keeps on trying so that I will at least be able to support myself and hopefully, to start my own normal life. Even till now, she fights the world for me.

This post is not about how broken my mother is. It's about how strong she is, how much she loves and how hard she tries without expecting anything in return. And I love my mother, more than anything else in the world.

(This is an unplanned post so sorry if it doesn't flow well.)